At the end of the day what are you left with?
Yep, cheese and alcohol. Your think ‘Right, now Christmas is over I’m going to diet!’ you put something sporty on that lets you move quite freely – sweat pants and a baggy T-shirt, maybe you take the stairs two at a time when you go up to fetch your phone – you walk to the shops saying it’s part of your new ‘regime’ but really it’s the boxing-day tailbacks. And then – you open the fridge for a quick healthy snack.
Cheese – cheese – cheese.
There ain’t no dieting happening yet. Don’t get me wrong I love cheese. And anyone reading this who got me cheese for Christmas – I am really happy about it – but I’d stupidly been to Tescos with a £6 off if you spend £40 voucher a few days before Christmas and I spent most of it on cheese.
(I’ll let you have a glimpse of my pain – I have five blocks of Stilton alone.)
Then booze. On my window ledge in the kitchen I’ve got three bottles of wine (3 for £10, who can say no?) cans of bitter, bottles of Magners, another two bottles of red, a wrapped bottle of red which was the result of my being bad at maths when I was wrapping before Christmas. Also a part bottle of rum, a part bottle of port and some other bits.
Forget diets! Take off the sweat pants and trainers – put your pyjamas back on and climb into bed with a block of stilton and a bottle of Pinot Noir. This is the only way you’ll beat it, hold the Stilton like a chocolate bar – bite – and – swig. Repeat.
I’m going to need the alcohol once the nightmares kick in (or is that a wives tail about eating cheese late at night?) when the voices start and I’m back in the school playground and my ‘parents’ have no faces just featureless ovals, or I’m at work in the nude….I’ll need the rum and the beer to get me through the bad cheese-dreams. Maybe if I eat enough cheese and drink enough wine I’ll go into a strangely vivid type of hibernation and wake up a stone heavier with a bad headache sometime in February. I would love that – I hate January!
Ah, well – this will be my last post for 2011, for me a super year for sure! Despite the cheese. Stay safe on New Year’s Eve and don’t spend too much – the way things are going we’ll need the money for 2012 when a loaf of bread will cost £5 and a litre of petrol £18.55
Ah, merry Christmas…